Talk To Someone, Not At Them
The pandemic thrust a lot of newbies in to the online, work from home frontier. I couldn’t be happier. Many leaders and employees are experiencing new fulfillment from being able to spend more time at home. It really is the only thing I thank COVID-19 for. However exciting this is, many people are now finding themselves in an unknown world, floundering trying to understand new social cues, communication strategies and response mechanisms that support building relationships electronically, just as well as stepping into their office.
We are feeling mammals and use sensory elements that have allowed us to evolve into connecting and understanding each other beyond these most primal elements. However, this is most effective when we are in the physical presence of each other. So, what happens when we remove all contact(as we have) with each other and connect through the wires and satellites, internet and phone, mail and even fax?
We start talking at people and not to them. While small, this slight infraction can cost you millions. People are pushed away when they feel as though a patriarchal or matriarchal(however woman do get away with this more than men) voice is talking down to them. It is experienced as someone looking through them and not at them. As though their existence is not even present. So, what is the difference?
When you are talking at someone, you are creating a barrier or wall between you and the person on the receiving end. This can be done through words, inflections, tones and even silence and pauses. All can be cues to make someone feel warm and comfortable to lean into the conversation or away. If this is a new relationship, you very well could set the tone of your relationship in a handful of seconds. While I don’t want you to live in an ever constant state of OCD anxiety about everything you say and do in your new electronic world, I do recommend trying a few new things, that will allow you to leverage the new communication tools you have been forced to rely on.
Are you a script reader like me? Scripts are interesting and something I discuss more in “What Are Systems?”, yet one thing is for certain; if you can get any of your employees to master reading a script(ideally a compilation of years of words and phrases from the best), you are in the best position to manage and lead your results. If someone feels like you are reading a script, they essentially will check out from really wanting to connect with you. They will feel talked at and shut down. Always remember greeting the other person by name is a key part of an inspiring greeting, however addressing them by name throughout the script too much, will make them feel talked at and not to. The goal is to empower your employees to say things your way, while making it so personal, people feel like those scripts were made for them.
One of my many growth edges throughout the years has been related to abundance. Understanding when to talk, when to listen and what to say with as few words as possible. It is an artful maturity that you will work on for years, as talking presents an easy case for your ego to take over. If one isn’t careful, a bold ego will take center stage and shove everyone else out of the room. Remember, this isn’t a solo act, but a duo between two eager individuals. You must bring them into the conversation. If someone wants to know more, they will ask. Make what you say so inspiring, they lean in with curiosity and allow you to unfold a story that encapsulates them. If someone is not engaged, your intriguing words will sound like endless, droning nonsense. Including people in a conversation, means actually holding back everything you may want to say and waiting for their engagement and curiosity to the insert it in. Creating engagement ensures people are part of the conversation and hence being spoken to and not at.
Using pronouns is a way to create warmth and inclusion in a conversation. When you are with someone, you can feel their attention. The way they are engaged in your conversation and how interested they are in what you have to say. They know you are interested in them through how you stand and look at them , with such intention and focus, nothing else matters. They feel you listening, as much as hear it. While you can smile as large as possible, we have not yet found a way to transmit emotions through our internet lines. So, our words become the vessels through which transmission must occur. Think about it. Words like your and you make people feel like your speaking directly to them. It reminds them of what is being discussed and how important they are to you. Pronouns are warm and connect people to each other.
As hopeful as I am that the work from home model stays forever for many companies, I am not convinced it will replace everything we got from the traditional office/shop/studio/store/floor/where house/kitchen/or wherever else the heck you used to be with people and now are not. What I do think is this is where evolution happens, at its finest. This is where we can challenge ourselves to find ways to replace what we have lost from being isolated. I am not convinced an onsite or offsite model is the only way to find success in business. Through careful strategies and small changes, we can create that same feeling we get in the physical presence of people, when we are not.
How are you talking?