Did You Yell At Them?
…and now feel bad? I remember the first time I did it. Now, in all fairness, it was totally justified. The egregious errors that were made that awful day were incredible. There was no way around that it was a major fuck up, that could have been avoided. It should have been avoided. This went deeper than mistake. It was an all out lack of obedience and follow through. Later too learn that was my problem in the first place, but I will get into that later. The anger rose so fast, I didn’t even realize the person I had become. It was ugly…..and I didn’t know another way to express the impact the situation had on me, the business, nonetheless my pocketbook. I definitely didn’t want to get labeled what I did that day. It has taken years to break that curse. What I understand now, that I didn’t know then, is management is about me, not them.
To learn how to manage employees, you have to unlearn everything you were ever taught about what it means to be a manager. It will mean feeling uncomfortable as you learn the role in the most vulnerable way possible, through your employees. I mean, when you really think about it, management is truly the hardest role to hold. And if you are a small business owner, still leading and being the technician, I can appreciate how tired you are. The effort it takes to just remember what you are doing and then how you are supposed to be acting exhausts even me. Then you add the level of awareness you have to hold for all those reporting to you and it becomes an unbearable load.
My love for running has taught me that being a manager is much more like running a marathon, than a sprint. The commitment one must have for their own growth, while simultaneously being responsible for others growth is admirable. When I was training for my first 50k, it was unlike anything I had done in some time. If not ever. The consistent training runs, mile building week after week, months of extra training, all coming down to 8 and a half hours. It takes a loyal and usually energetic human to hold this type of focus. Hence why only so few can really hold the self-awareness needed to do their own growth moments, as much as help their employees. Run Manager Run.
As a coach and trainer, it took me time to identify what the quickest method was to creating self awareness. It’s not like you can get in someone’s head and force them to see themselves for who they are and what they say. It can only happen from that person. See, when being a manager, you can’t just do something. I know this is what you were taught and how much of our world relied on building managers. You were given manuals and expectations. Goals and a SWOT analysis report....if you were lucky. For many, you were thrown into the pit and told to “deal with them”.
And you dealt with them the only way you knew how; to yell, ignore, shame and coddle. You tried to mimic whatever you thought they wanted and would chase them around like little puppies until they peed on the rug. Then the rage and scolding; flare ups so big, you could feel your blood pressure rising. You know what? It is no way to live, for anyone.
Undoing years of learnt behavior won’t be easy. Your habits and beliefs are engrained strongly in you. It is also understandable the pure exhaustion that keeps you from even attempting to change.
When a person finds their values and intentions, it is only then, they can apply tools and strategies to support the role. While some will be individual to you and your company, the three below are absolutes. In all my years of coaching, I have never seen a successful manager without them.
Commitment: Commitment shows up in a lot of ways. It is in your physical behaviors such as being on time, giving ample notice when rescheduling things and working your worth. Commitment is one of those power values that at times seem almost unattainable. It is only those with intention and organization that hold to commitments of any size. While tools like calendars and CRMs are useful, you have to have the internal drive to attend and do everything that they tell you needs done that day, week, month and year. Having commitment comes down to one thing; goals. Do you have the clear goals that drives your intentions and behaviors? Remember, if you don’t, then there is no way your employees are going to. Do you see how who you are, creates who they are?
Integrity: You can be the hardest worker on the planet or the laziest, but if you are honest, if you are whole heartedly honest, you can survive the worst. I had an employee once who may have been the most loyal worker I ever had. She came, she conquered and she left. For awhile, she was an enjoyable employee to even be around. However, every once in a while, usually in great times of stress, she lied. It started out small at first, one day forgetting to lock the door at night. Her reason was far to confusing, which only lead to it must have been a simple mistake. A forgetful moment, one we have had all the time. The next time she did it, the consequences were a bit higher. The mistruths became quicker and the awkwardness between us both growing. See, the thing about lies is they catch up with you. If they don’t first take you down from pure exhaustion as they haunt you every night, then it is from getting caught. The embarrassment wears off quickly, but the experience lingers forever. From then on I never knew if she was lying or really just having a bad case of luck. I really couldn’t afford to wait around a discover it, it had already cost me too much.
Having integrity takes courage. Standing up for what you believe, whether it is received as right or wrong, takes a person who is confident. So, if confidence is needed for integrity, where does that come?
Self-Awareness: The most sophisticated of all of them. The granddaddy of values and characteristics. When you think about it, without self-awareness, nothing else can even exist. If self-consciousness is being insecure about yourself, self-awareness is seeing yourself for who you are, what you do and why you do it. It has no judgement if something is right or wrong, no care in the world what it is you are doing, just as awareness of what you are doing and saying at all times. If a manager can be aware of themselves, they can control their whole team. See everyone is watching and listening. They mimic behaviors without you even realizing it. If they can see you aware of yourself and always trying to get better, even down to the minute, they will strive for that same type of development. So, give yourself some space and spend some time watching and listening to yourself. No judgment, as that just turns into being self conscious and defeats the goal. Just watch, think and assess….Are you being who you want to be? Are you being who you want them to be? If not, why? Identify what triggers you to go off track and you will always be able to stay on track.